Sometimes being away lets people discover parts of themselves that they aren't able to think about or accept when at home surrounded by everyone who knows them. When I was 16 in my junior year of high school, I spent my spring semester in Mexico. I lived with a host family and attended one of the local private schools. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. (Life seems to work out that way.)

Being away from everything I had ever known let me re-evaluate myself and to grow without the confines of the expectations of all who had known me since I was a little girl. I learned a lot and gained confidence which I had been lacking (I was painfully shy in high school). It was also during this time that I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to women, (something I had felt and ignored since the age of 12) and I began the long journey out of the closet.

Now three and a half years later, I am once again in a strange country, away from my family and friends. I am now out to my family and friends at Bucknell (and now with this blog, to the world) and I'm in a very different place in my life than I was when I went to Mexico.

Before I came to Spain, I talked to the International Education Office about my sexuality because although I didn't think it would be a problem, I didn't want the bad luck of being placed with a conservative host family. Everyone assured me that it would be fine, and it has been. There have been a few misunderstandings about my desire to come out (no, I do not want to introduce myself as gay, I just want to feel safe about being open if the subject comes up) and I had a slight anxiety attack (I don't know exactly why) the first weekend when my host family was discussing the causes of homosexuality.

I was going to speak up and add my two cents, but for some reason my heart went berserk, so I couldn't speak, just tried to keep breathing! I guess the problem was I didn't know the exact tone of the conversation and I hadn't thought the subject would come up so quickly. I was under the impression that it isn't something that is discussed at all here. So, imagine my surprise when it was one of the first topics of conversation during dinner! Actually, it is amazing how much the subject comes up.

During my first intercambio, Christina started talking about the gay population in Granada and her gay friends! And Alfonso, our intensive Spanish course professor, talked about homosexuality at least once a week - which was sometimes uncomfortable because I wasn't sure of his tone. Still, it was very amusing the last week of class when in an exercise about the future he asked me when I was going to have a boyfriend. There was a collective intake of breath from my fellow classmates, who all knew I was gay, and were wondering what I was going to say. "Cuando sea heterosexual," I replied ("When I'm straight"), and everyone laughed at the look of surprise on Alfonso's face.

Then he shocked us all by saying that he isn't straight either! One girl's mouth dropped right open! He often spoke of his wife and family, so we were all surprised. He explained that he is bi, but has happily been married to his wife for 25 years. (This just shows that you can never make assumptions about someone's sexuality.) It was a very interesting class! (For those who don't know, being bisexual does not mean you need to date a man and a woman at the same time, it just means you are attracted to both. It means that you are open to relationships with either gender.)

I'm also now out to my host family, and they are fine about it. I didn't sit them all down and say, "I have something to tell you..." I just waited till it came up. For example, one day Noria, my senora's daughter-in-law and I were talking about marriage. When she asked if I had plans to get married, I talked about the fact that in most states I can't get married because I'm gay.

She was surprised because she wasn't expecting it. But she didn't care. It was great to talk to her because I was able to ask about the conversation they had the first week and what had been discussed. It is interesting because while she doesn't think it homosexuality is genetic, she doesn't think it is a choice ... and she isn´t against it. (She thinks it is a combination of psychological influences, environmental factors, and a little bit of biology.)

I feel that even if she thought it was a choice, it wouldn't change her opinion about homosexuality. She feels that people have the right to do whatever they want, love whomever they want, and that they should have the same rights as everyone else. (Although she isn't quite sure how she feels about gay adoption, she is supportive of gay marriage.) This is very different from the view in the states. In the U.S., there is so much discussion about whether it is a choice or if it is genetic, and the question of acceptance is related so strongly to someone's belief in what causes homosexuality. And religion is a huge part of the debate.

Here, even though Spain is a very Catholic country, people are aware of what it is like to be under an oppressive government, without rights. Now people want to protect everyone's rights. As such, although 30 years ago you could be imprisoned for homosexuality, now there is marriage equality for gays. And people are shocked to hear that in the U.S. there isn´t marriage or a federal law protecting against work discrimination.

So in general things have been fine. However, here in Spain, while the culture is very accepting of homosexuality, and sexuality in general, I've often felt very alone. Bucknell isn't always the most comfortable place to be gay, but there is a lot of support for gay students, especially through the Office of LGBT Awareness (aka the LGBT office). And while there aren't many out gay students, there are a few of us, and there are a lot of allies. I've slowly found allies here, like students in my Spanish conversation class, who were particularly supportive when I was dealing with some hard coming-out situations at home ... but I don't know any other gay students.

Also, the general attitude that I've found from Spaniards is "Oh, I don't care if you are gay because I don't care what you do in bed, or who you sleep with." It is good that people don't care, but I resent that my sexuailty is reduced to the bedroom. As someone once told me, sexuality isn´t just about who you want to sleep with, it is also about who you want to have sitting across the table eating breakfast with you ... it's who you want to spend the rest of your life with ... it's who you love.

So, all this perhaps gives an explanation, or a bit of understanding about why it was so important to me to visit Chueca. Nothing bad has happened to me because of my sexuality, but I have felt lonely. When we were in Madrid, just knowing that there was an area where there were rainbow flags flying, made me itch to visit it. I was hoping to go on Tuesday after we visited the park, but everybody else was tired, and wanted to stay near the hotel to have la cena and then head to bed.

At that point it was getting too late for me to feel safe going by myself, so I resigned myself to wait till the next day, after our visit to Cuenca. We would get back early enough that if I had to go alone, since none of the other students wanted to go, then I would be safe doing so. On the bus ride home I talked to Professor Fischer and Maria about where it was, and Maria (even though she was sick and probably should have gone to bed!) offered to go with me, and suggested we have la cena there together. (Chueca isn't just the gay barrio, it is also a fairly fashionable neighborhood with stores, restaurants and bars.) We waited till a bit later in the evening, so we could rest a bit in the hotel, and then we headed off to where the rainbow flags were flying...

I had a fabulous time! We visted a lgbt bookstore where they had a large selection of magazines, including The Advocate and Out magazines, but they didn´t have Curve, which I was looking for. They also had a lot of different kinds of books, cds, dvds, and a little cafe area. I would have stayed longer, but it was suffocatingly hot. So we soon left for the fresh air of the street. (Plus we were hungry!) In the main plaza, there was a store with a bunch of rainbow memorabilia ... I got a pretty rainbow bracelet :), a postcard, and some new pins for my backpack. Although I have taken them off for my stay here, at Bucknell I usually have a million pins on my backpack. A friend once told me it's like I'm a walking billboard. One of the new pins says, "Yo (heart) Chueca," and the other one says, "Y Que" (which I translate to, So what?) with a rainbow background.

The store owner recommended a Italian/Asian restaurant for la cena. It was a very interesting place. Sort of modern with mood lighting. It was a neat atmosphere, the Italian and Asian mix was interesting and the food was really good. Maria and I talked and talked about my experiences coming out, Spain, our families, Bucknell, Mexico ... She is such a great person, and I had such a good time! (And it was fun to speak so much Spanish.) It was definitely my best experience during the Madrid trip, and one of the experiences I'll always remember about my time here in Spain.

Also, it gave me the boost I needed to feel good about myself. I left Madrid satisfied with life.

Well, I need to eat before I head off to class ... so I'll leave this as is ... next time I'll write about my classes, my experience with NOS - the LGBT organization here in Granada - and my upcoming trip to Cabo de Gata, the beach!